It’s been three years since I gave birth to my last baby.
Our whole family waited in anticipation for the arrival of our newest member.
I wasn’t prepared for her diagnosis at birth. Or rather the suspicions due to “markers for Down Syndrome,” as the doctor said, when she spoke to me and Nino.
Evangelina stayed in the hospital longer than we first thought she would due to the fact that she had duodenal atresia.
We prayed she would be alright after confirming that she needed corrective surgery due to duodenal atresia.
Daddy was there to welcome baby girl just like her siblings before her.
Nino was so fully present at this time. His faith in God was so much bigger than mine. His love for our daughter and for our family helped bring me through…
In Fight Mode: The more I held my baby girl, the more I wanted to fight for her…
Without realizing it, I automatically put all these limitations on my daughter the moment I heard the words “Down Syndrome.” My perception of what Down Syndrome was, was so far from what I now know as our reality. I need to forgive myself for those first few days…even for those first few weeks and months. I was incredibly ignorant of what her extra chromosome was all about. Even now…I know that I still have so much more to learn about who she is and who she can become…the same way any parent would learn about their own typically developing child who is about to turn three years old too.
On this day, I sat on the sofa thinking about whether or not she would be strong enough to hold her own in a world that can sometimes be cruel and unforgiving. As I cried, Gelli picked her head up and looked at me…as if to say ” I’m a lot stronger than you think, Mom.”
But, I have a confession.
I have a lot of regret about the first few weeks of Evangelina’s life.
I was extremely happy to finally bring my daughter home…but I was also extremely nervous. I felt like a new mom all over again because Gelli changed the playing field on me.
I wasted far too many tears, and worried about far too many “What If’s?”
I wish I knew then what I know now.
I was all over the place with guilt, fear, anger, and sadness that I didn’t see the tremendous gift I was given. I worried about her health, people accepting her, what school she would go to here in Manila, and whether or not she could stand for her Ate as maid of honor if and when she would get married. (Doesn’t that sound a bit crazy?)
Gelli in tree pose. Gelli and I did yoga together when she was just an infant only weeks out of the hospital.
I cried because I thought my eldest daughter would some how lose out on the sisterhood I envisioned for her when we found out we were having another girl. I cried because I thought she wouldn’t be able to do things for herself. I cried because I thought my daughters wouldn’t be able to call each other up when they were older with their own families and share recipes and giggles on the phone. I cried because I thought my youngest daughter would have so many limitations.
“The only limitations you will ever have are the ones you put on yourself.” -Kristinna Habashy (or in this case…the ones I put on MY own daughter…)
Oh baby girl…if I only knew then what I know now.
I cried a lot.
I still cry a lot.
But my tears are different three years later.
The difference? I cry when I’m happy, when I’m grateful, and when I am reminded that God is Good. Parents with children who have special needs have said it a thousand times over in so many different ways. This kind of parenthood changes you in a way that being a parent to a typical kid cannot. It’s the shift in perspective…It’s the realization that we are all connected…that it’s more than just THIS…
Gelli’s first modeling gig. Thank you Buding for asking us to be part of your feature in Working Mom. Thank you Stan Ong for these lovely shots.
So, today we will celebrate Gelli’s birthday. She’s given us three beautiful years of milestones in her own time, a fresh perspective, an incredible love, countless smiles, and more than we could have ever imagined. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have challenges in parenting Gelli. We do. This is why the milestones and the small victories are all so worth celebrating!
Instead of me telling you about the gifts we have given her, I thought I could share some of the gifts she has given me.
Gelli is Daddy’s muse. I love this shot he stole of her one morning when she was just waking up with a smile.
It’s good to be organized!
Gelli has given me the gift of organization. It’s important to be organized so that I can take care of my daughter and set all of her doctor’s and therapy appointments. She has instilled a diligence in keeping appointments AND because of that, I am more organized in general. (Although I still sometimes feel like something falls through the cracks every once in a while.)
Understanding Unconditional Love
Gelli has given me the gift of unconditional and pure love. I received this same love from my three big kids…but Gelli’s love is just a little different…as is my love and devotion to her is just a little different too. I celebrate the differences of all of my children and I am able to love them each in the way that they need me to.
The Gift of Prayer
I understand the power and gift of prayer. Never before have I prayed with my children the way we prayed when we desperately wanted her to come home from the hospital after almost two weeks in the PICU. It was a teary impromptu moment that I will never forget.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
I finally understand the meaning of “The Big Picture.” So, often I have been caught up in the details and things that aren’t as important as I once thought. The idea that I shouldn’t “sweat the small stuff” is my new philosophy.
Our Support Network
I have a new found appreciation for all of those people that love and care for our family. For some reason the fluff, a.k.a. the people that didn’t matter as much, have fallen to the wayside. They have slowly eased their way out of my life and I can see that those who love and want to be with us have a deeper sense of love, commitment, and level of caring for our family. I hold these loved ones near (and far) oh so close to my heart.
The Gift of Happiness
I finally understand the meaning of “choosing to be happy.” With all of the terrible things that go on in the world I understand that finding happiness can be in the littlest of celebrations and milestones that many people take for granted.
The gift of being empowered
I am empowered. Yes! Believe it or not, my daughter empowered me to stand up for what I know to be right and true and good in this world. She has inspired me to fight for her and all children like her.
The Gift of My Voice
I found my voice. I write. I share parts of her story and parts of my story with other parents. I find joy in this sharing. Gelli’s birth has enabled me to help other parents who are new members to our special club.
People who really CARE
I have met incredible people. Doctors who are so good at what they do. Therapists who care. People with varying abilities. Parents. Children. Adults. All who share parts of themselves with me and Gelli. And it truly is incredible. I will continue to navigate the unchartered waters with many of these people as my mentors, guides, and my friends as Gelli continues to grow.
When you were one year old, I didn’t know all I know now. Oh Gellibean, you have given me so many gifts.
The gift of togetherness
I’m part of something bigger. I know that “We are all in this together.” This basic yogic principal is my mantra. I am more compassionate and empathetic. I am not as quick as I once was to pass judgement. I’m patient. Kindness is so much more important now. As a family, we look forward to meeting up with other families like ours too! Both DSAPI and Best Buddies have given us the opportunity to share our cause and our LOVE for Gelli.
At two years old you taught me just how generous people can be…another lesson that brought me to tears. To this day I am grateful to your Tita Kathy for all of these beautiful photos. She isn’t the only one who made your 2nd birthday extra special, there were many people involved in making your celebration just perfect.
I’m so looking forward to more of your birthdays, Baby Girl.
I LOVE YOU.