Happy Birthday Gellibean. It’s been three years since I gave birth to my last baby.
Our whole family waited in anticipation for the arrival of our newest member.
I wasn’t prepared for her diagnosis at birth. Or rather the suspicions due to “markers for Down Syndrome,” as the doctor said, when she spoke to me and Nino.
Evangelina stayed in the hospital longer than we first thought she would due to the fact that she had duodenal atresia.
We prayed she would be alright after confirming that she needed corrective surgery due to duodenal atresia.
Daddy was there to welcome baby girl just like her siblings before her.
Nino was so fully present at this time. His faith in God was so much bigger than mine. His love for our daughter and for our family helped bring me through…
In Fight Mode: The more I held my baby girl, the more I wanted to fight for her…
Without realizing it, I automatically put all these limitations on my daughter the moment I heard the words “Down Syndrome.” My perception of what Down Syndrome was, was so far from what I now know as our reality. I need to forgive myself for those first few days…even for those first few weeks and months. I was incredibly ignorant of what her extra chromosome was all about. Even now…I know that I still have so much more to learn about who she is and who she can become…the same way any parent would learn about their own typically developing child who is about to turn three years old too.
On this day, I sat on the sofa thinking about whether or not she would be strong enough to hold her own in a world that can sometimes be cruel and unforgiving. As I cried, Gelli picked her head up and looked at me…as if to say ” I’m a lot stronger than you think, Mom.”
But, I have a confession.
I have a lot of regret about the first few weeks of Evangelina’s life.
I was extremely happy to finally bring my daughter home…but I was also extremely nervous. I felt like a new mom all over again because Gelli changed the playing field on me.
I wasted far too many tears, and worried about far too many “What If’s?”
I wish I knew then what I know now.
I was all over the place with guilt, fear, anger, and sadness that I didn’t see the tremendous gift I was given. I worried about her health, people accepting her, what school she would go to here in Manila, and whether or not she could stand for her Ate as maid of honor if and when she would get married. (Doesn’t that sound a bit crazy?)
Gelli in tree pose. Gelli and I did yoga together when she was just an infant only weeks out of the hospital.
I cried because I thought my eldest daughter would some how lose out on the sisterhood I envisioned for her when we found out we were having another girl. I cried because I thought she wouldn’t be able to do things for herself. I cried because I thought my daughters wouldn’t be able to call each other up when they were older with their own families and share recipes and giggles on the phone. I cried because I thought my youngest daughter would have so many limitations.
“The only limitations you will ever have are the ones you put on yourself.” -Kristinna Habashy (or in this case…the ones I put on MY own daughter…)
Oh baby girl…if I only knew then what I know now.
I cried a lot.
I still cry a lot.
But my tears are different three years later.
The difference? I cry when I’m happy, when I’m grateful, and when I am reminded that God is Good. Parents with children who have special needs have said it a thousand times over in so many different ways. This kind of parenthood changes you in a way that being a parent to a typical kid cannot. It’s the shift in perspective…It’s the realization that we are all connected…that it’s more than just THIS…
Gelli’s first modeling gig. Thank you Buding for asking us to be part of your feature in Working Mom. Thank you Stan Ong for these lovely shots.
So, today we will celebrate Gelli’s birthday. She’s given us three beautiful years of milestones in her own time, a fresh perspective, an incredible love, countless smiles, and more than we could have ever imagined. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have challenges in parenting Gelli. We do. This is why the milestones and the small victories are all so worth celebrating!
Instead of me telling you about the gifts we have given her, I thought I could share some of the gifts she has given me.
Gelli is Daddy’s muse. I love this shot he stole of her one morning when she was just waking up with a smile.
It’s good to be organized!
Gelli has given me the gift of organization. It’s important to be organized so that I can take care of my daughter and set all of her doctor’s and therapy appointments. She has instilled a diligence in keeping appointments AND because of that, I am more organized in general. (Although I still sometimes feel like something falls through the cracks every once in a while.)
Understanding Unconditional Love
Gelli has given me the gift of unconditional and pure love. I received this same love from my three big kids…but Gelli’s love is just a little different…as is my love and devotion to her is just a little different too. I celebrate the differences of all of my children and I am able to love them each in the way that they need me to.
The Gift of Prayer
I understand the power and gift of prayer. Never before have I prayed with my children the way we prayed when we desperately wanted her to come home from the hospital after almost two weeks in the PICU. It was a teary impromptu moment that I will never forget.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
I finally understand the meaning of “The Big Picture.” So, often I have been caught up in the details and things that aren’t as important as I once thought. The idea that I shouldn’t “sweat the small stuff” is my new philosophy.
Our Support Network
I have a new found appreciation for all of those people that love and care for our family. For some reason the fluff, a.k.a. the people that didn’t matter as much, have fallen to the wayside. They have slowly eased their way out of my life and I can see that those who love and want to be with us have a deeper sense of love, commitment, and level of caring for our family. I hold these loved ones near (and far) oh so close to my heart.
The Gift of Happiness
I finally understand the meaning of “choosing to be happy.” With all of the terrible things that go on in the world I understand that finding happiness can be in the littlest of celebrations and milestones that many people take for granted.
The gift of being empowered
I am empowered. Yes! Believe it or not, my daughter empowered me to stand up for what I know to be right and true and good in this world. She has inspired me to fight for her and all children like her.
The Gift of My Voice
I found my voice. I write. I share parts of her story and parts of my story with other parents. I find joy in this sharing. Gelli’s birth has enabled me to help other parents who are new members to our special club.
People who really CARE
I have met incredible people. Doctors who are so good at what they do. Therapists who care. People with varying abilities. Parents. Children. Adults. All who share parts of themselves with me and Gelli. And it truly is incredible. I will continue to navigate the unchartered waters with many of these people as my mentors, guides, and my friends as Gelli continues to grow.
When you were one year old, I didn’t know all I know now. Oh Gellibean, you have given me so many gifts.
The gift of togetherness
I’m part of something bigger. I know that “We are all in this together.” This basic yogic principal is my mantra. I am more compassionate and empathetic. I am not as quick as I once was to pass judgement. I’m patient. Kindness is so much more important now. As a family, we look forward to meeting up with other families like ours too! Both DSAPI and Best Buddies have given us the opportunity to share our cause and our LOVE for Gelli.
At two years old you taught me just how generous people can be…another lesson that brought me to tears. To this day I am grateful to your Tita Kathy for all of these beautiful photos. She isn’t the only one who made your 2nd birthday extra special, there were many people involved in making your celebration just perfect.
I’m so looking forward to more of your birthdays, Baby Girl.
I LOVE YOU.
OMG Michelle! What a wonderful and touching article of love, understanding and devotion! You made me cry! You are such a wonderful person, daughter, wife, mother, friend! You made Gelli a beautiful person! We are so lucky for having a daughter like you, though I must say we are lucky to have beautiful, great, loving children! We love you and God will always be there for Gelli!
Thank you Mom.
I am the person I am today because of the example you have always set for me.
Your strength, generosity, wisdom, and grace in face of your own life’s challenges are characteristics that I would hope to emulate as well. I love you Mom. You’re the reason why I can do what I do today. I love you.
Papa and Mama love you so much Gellibean!!!!
Gelli loves you so much Papa. She loves you and Mama dearly.
Gellibean loves you oh so much Papa. She loves you and Mama lots, and she misses you more than that.
Gellibean is so beautiful in every sense of the word Michelle. And she has a beautiful mama as well who loves her dearly. She has a beautiful Ate who will always be there for her because you have trained her well. You have a beautiful family Michelle. Truly, you are blessed beyond words. <3 I love you! :-*
Thank you Jane.
I do feel blessed. This much is true. I look up to how you and Jeff raise YOUR kids! You’re all so sweet to one another! I do know I’m very lucky with Ate. I won’t have to worry about either of my girls because they have each other. Love you Jane!
What a wonderful write up about how Gelli has changed your lives but hearing it from you personally is indeed a lot better. These are words of love and tenderness from a mother who truly sees what each of her children have brought into her life. Today, we celebrate Gelli but you have always shown how you adore all your kids and how they have made you proud. Gelli continues to be a gentle reminder of how faith, hope and love go hand in hand when you least expect the best thing to ever happen in your life. She has changed the way you look at life and she has brought not just you and Nino joy but realizations that only she can bring forth in the lives of her siblings. Gelli is therefore perfect in all her imperfections. And she is truly beautiful inside and out! Happy birthday Gelli! You are such a wonderful blessing to many.
Thank you Joliza.
You are right! She is perfect in her imperfections. I like that!
Thank you for also being a blessing to me in my life as my friend!
This is a beautiful post, Mish. You have touched on so many important things that parents like us often forget when we are faced with the challenges of raising a child with special needs. I will hug my Zo a little tighter tonight and thank him for all the wonderful things he has taught me. Thank you for the beautiful reminders, Mish!
Aw. Thanks too Anj.
Thanks for stopping by, thanks for inspiring me to do more outside of what I do for Gelli and our family.
I am so glad that we are in this together.
Namaste.
This is a beautiful post Mish :’)
Happy birthday Gelli!!
Thanks Joei.
Thanks for stopping by!
See you Saturday!!
I want to cry. If only I wasn’t in a gastro pub right now hahaha!but seriously, this is such a touching post. Unconditional love at it’s very best. It’s so inspiring! You are so blessed to have Gellie as she is so blessed to have you as a mom. Happy birthday Gellie! 🙂 may you have many many more birthdays to come!
Aw. Thanks for stopping by Rina!
All of my children are blessings…but Gelli 🙂 She is extra special 🙂
Looking forward to seeing you again soon!
What a great article! You’re such an amazing mom! Happy Birthday Gelli! Love ya…
Miss you Jayne!
When you coming here?
Please come for a visit again soon?
It takes one amazing Mom to know and understand another 😉
Michelle, The joy, wonder, pain, hope and faith you have expressed in this beautiful tribute to your daughter Gelli, and your journey together as a family is beyond words. God works in wondrous ways! Love you all, Aunt Marilyn
Thank you Aunt Marilyn.
Yes. This much is true. God works in wondrous ways.
We love and miss you so much.
Hugs for you and Uncle Paulie 🙂
Love you Gelli! Love you Aventajados 🙂
Thanks Tita Nevs 🙂 Hugs and kisses to Noah boy.
This makes me cry..I’m also a mom of a special needs child. But God is good..
Aw 🙂 God is good ALL the time 🙂
Love this post. 🙂
Oh Gelli! Happy birthday! You are blessed and you are a blessing.
This is just beautiful Michelle.
Thank you Maidette 🙂
Hope all is well and that Kenneth is better after his bout of being sick on his birthday!
I read this the day you posted it, but didn’t get to leave a reply. Beautiful, beautiful post!
You are loved, Gellibean! <3
Thanks Kaye 🙂 Thanks for loving Gellibean too 🙂 xo
I am pretty sure you have already been told many times, but I will say it still, you have a beautiful baby girl, and you both are blessed to have each other! Oh and lest I forget, you are a beautiful woman, too, made more beautiful by all that you have experienced with her and life in general. Cheers!
Thank you Kaye,
I will never tire of hearing how beautiful, and smart, and charming, and resourceful, and wonderful all of my children are. I do feel each of my children is a blessing to me and my husband…although, I probably wasn’t as aware of it before. Thank you most of all for your kind words for me and for visiting my blog 🙂 Sometimes, I’m so busy putting everything together for the kids that I forget how to also take care of myself. I know that’s common in motherhood…so, I thank you for the encouragement and love.