Being married is hard.
It’s really hard.
No one tells you just how hard it is when you are planning your wedding. No one tells you just how much you will end up giving up of yourself when you are picking table arrangements, choosing your wedding dress, or writing your vows.
I’m so lucky to have my sisters. But I’m also lucky to have a brother in my sister’s husband as well.
I thought I had an idea of just how difficult marriage and parenting could be. I saw my older sister get married and tie the knot with the love her of her life before me. I thought I understood the sacrifices that my parents made while raising the five of us. I thought I knew what it takes to hold it all together because my parents made it look easy.
circa 1985
They loved each other after all, right?
Mom and Dad at Copacabana.
Well, 18 years into marriage (and heading full steam ahead into our 19th year as husband and wife) I realize there are some secrets to staying connected, to communicate effectively, and keeping the fire burning for my partner, as we navigate this thing called life.
Photo Credit: Sheila Catilo
This year has been tough on our marriage, and it’s taken a lot of effort on both of our parts to keep it all together. While, we have never lacked for love, we have let some things slide a little because the stresses of family, work, and our daily responsibilities that have distracted us from the most important relationship we will nurture.
I have been wanting to connect with my husband again. So when the opportunity presented itself for a quick get away to one of my favorite places (and one of the most beautiful beaches in the world) I seized it.
The first time we went away to Boracay as a couple was almost 20 years ago. Nino and I went to Boracay with his family. We were engaged, but not yet married.We didn’t have kids.
Since then, we have been to Boracay several times with my sister, Maria, and our family, but since that first trip, Nino and I have not been able to visit the world’s most beautiful beach as a couple, again.
Photo Credit: Sheila Catilo
Part of this is because life got hold of us.
Part of this is because we would rather take the time and spend the money on doing fun things with the kids, instead.
Part of this because sometimes we just need an excuse.
This is where I remind myself that there is no excuse for not nurturing my relationship with my husband. I have learned that the work we put in to our relationship as a couple should be first and foremost on our list of things to do. In other words, we should NOT be looking for an excuse to work on us, or to make time for us.
So, the excuse that I mentioned earlier? It was the opportunity for me to surprise Nino earlier last week, with a quick get away. We were invited to check out my friend, Claudette’s, new boutique hotel that she had been telling me about through some of our online conversations.
Photo Credit: Sol y Sombra
I was intrigued when my friend Claudette told me about one of her newest endeavors. I was intrigued when I saw her posts on social media of tastefully yet minimally decorated rooms, which looked comfy, modern, and inviting. I searched her Instagram photos and they had me feeling like it might be time for a dose of some Vitamin Sea.
Because we had this time alone together, I got to thinking. I got to thinking about how I wrote this post awhile back about 5 Things Your Kids Should See in your Marriage. I have wanted to make this a series of relationship posts for some time now. I’m NO relationship expert. I’m not trained. But I do have a lot of relationships that are really important to me and I have learned a thing or two along the way.
While we were on our trip, we had so much time to invest in one another. We talked, we laughed, we connected, and we may have even disagreed once or twice, so we could kiss and make up later. But one of the things that we also talked about were ways we enjoyed connecting.
I can use our little get away with Sol y Sombra as the basis for this post and some relationship advice, however, in the greater scheme of things, these are things we can do to enrich our marriages any time of day, any time of year, and in any place we are.
Surprise one another.
I know Nino has been stressed out with work, his responsibilities and recent events that have transpired in his family. It hasn’t been an easy go for him, and I thought it would be nice for me to make some secret arrangements for us to invest in our relationship without distraction.
A photo posted by ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Michelle Aventajado (@mommanmanila) on
I planned as much as I could for our recent trip, until I had to tell him that maybe he shouldn’t plan any meeting for later in the week because I would like to go away just the two of us to enrich our relationship. (And work on my tan.)
I think he appreciated the surprise. But I could only keep it a secret so long. I wanted him to be able to prepare for our mini vacay as well.
Ask him how he’s doing. (And really wait to hear the answer.)
So often, I get busy with the kids and forget to check in on my love. I am guilty of pouring myself into everything and anything, so much so that sometimes, I even forget to eat lunch.
With my own responsibilities of running the household, heading Best Buddies, mounting events, and writing here on the blog, sometimes I forget to ask my husband how his day was.
Or, I will ask him how his day was and remember I have to start the bread in the bread machine. Or sign the papers on my desk. Or get the kids’ things ready for school the next day. Truth is, I’m always being pulled in so many different directions.
I may start to talk to Nino, and then get a phone call. Or he may be trying to connect with me and Gelli comes in the room to tell me she needs to go to the bathroom. There are just so many distractions. Don’t get me wrong, my children aren’t distractions…they are my kids, and my responsibility.
But sometimes, my husband enjoys my undivided attention, too.
During our little get away, we had nothing to distract us. We took the time to indulge in one another. Listen. Talk. Oh my gosh. We were talking without interruption. No one walked into our room with a problem to solve. Our phones weren’t going off with meetings to attend or calls to be answered.
Our room was comfy. Well lit. Modern. And had everything we needed to chill out and enjoy each other’s company.
In fact, there was one morning where we actually laid in bed for an hour just catching up with one another. Nothing that was groundbreaking news. We were even just talking about some pretty mundane topics.
But for some reason, it felt like we were being extremely indulgent.
Is that crazy?
Laying around in a comfy bed, cool from the aircon (because I was a little sunburnt) without worrying about what to do next, who had to be changed first thing in the morning, or what events I had to attend that day…
Even if it was the middle of the week (because that’s how I planned it) it felt like a Slow Down Sunday simply because we could focus on one another. In hindsight, I now see how easy it is for me to be distracted with the kids and my daily responsibilities. As Nino and have started dating each other more, I love even reminiscing with him about the times when we would stay up for hours and even fall asleep on the phone.
Indulge in each other’s interests.
Ok, so building off of the fact that we were able to really focus on one another during this trip, I have come to another conclusion in the past year. While this year was one of the most challenging times in our marriage, out of the bad has to come some good right?
Going to #WhiskyLiveManila was not just a fun experience for both of us, it was also an opportunity to hang with @thephenomenalmama ‘s husband @singledram.
I now know how important it is to take an interest in what Nino enjoys doing too. I think the past few months have also allowed him to come to this realization as well.
Simple joys for my husband include going for long drives.
Earlier this year, Nino and I drove to Vigan to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary.
Discovering a new single malt. And listening to his new inspiration, Joseph Prince.
A photo posted by ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Michelle Aventajado (@mommanmanila) on
Our time together in the kitchen has new meaning because, he enjoys researching and creating a dish I may be craving, and my craving inspires his creativity in the kitchen. Nino knows I enjoy being in the kitchen. He knows I find it therapeutic to create new dishes (or old family favs) for the kids because it’s relaxing for me. Being in the kitchen is comfort for me, and he has decided that he will take an interest in spending more time with me there too.
A photo posted by ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Michelle Aventajado (@mommanmanila) on
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
And makes my tummy happy.
Thanks to my Instagram Husband for indulging me in my photo shoot on the beach.
It even brings a bigger smile to my face, when I ask my Instagram Husband to indulge me with a photo shoot on the beach. After all, before the children came he did tell me I was his favorite subject to photograph.
Thanks Babe, for all my photos you snapped of me on the beach. I knew you were hot and tired, but you still indulged me snapping away…
Discover new places together.
When Nino and I travel with the kids to the beach, we usually go to the same places for comfort and convenience. The kids enjoy the routine, and we enjoy the service when we go to a place where they have seen our children grow.
However, when it’s just the two of us?
Nino and I love to go on new adventures.
We enjoy trying new places by ourselves. We enjoy the discovery of new joints to eat, to stay, and to bring the kids after we have gotten the lay of the land.
We LOVED this meal at Los Indios Bravos. One of the best restos on the island!
On this recent trip, we not only found a more affordable way to visit Boracay, we also found new places to enjoy the magic hour, and new places to enjoy our favorite foods.
This is the same for the activities we chose for each of the days during our trip. From paddle boarding to sail boating, and island hopping, we enjoyed a more active Boracay lifestyle, this time around.
We took long walks on the beach.
And during those long walks on the beach, we discovered each other again.
Pray together.
This has been a long time coming.
My spirituality is something I have usually been pretty private about. I am vocal about my faith. I am vocal about my gratitude. I am vocal when I am praying for grace.
But for the most part, when I pray and I’m asking for help, I have felt it has always been between me and The Big Guy Up Above.
I have said my prayers in silence.
I envision in my mind’s eye what I am asking God to grant me. It’s not that I never wanted to pray with Nino. It’s just that I never really prayed out loud, save for the prayers we are taught to say in church.
It’s only recently, that I have been able to pray with Nino aloud.
Proudly.
It’s as if I didn’t feel he needed to hear me in my requests of protection and continued health for my him. And, it’s only as of late, that I have been able to voice these requests aloud while holding his hand.
A photo posted by ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Michelle Aventajado (@mommanmanila) on
There is something pretty powerful in hearing someone pray for you aloud.
Isn’t there?
I think I’m liking this 5 Things kinda Post. I am already brainstorming for the next one…
Thanks to my friend Claudette, Nino and I had a wonderful time connecting, remembering, indulging, and loving on one another. I’m already planning the next time we will go and visit Sol y Sombra. I’m just torn between bringing the kids, or planning another quick get away with my love again…
http://www.solysombraboracay.com/
https://www.facebook.com/solysombra.boracay.hotel/
https://www.instagram.com/solysombraboracay/
Love everything about this post!!! So glad you were able to do this! This is exactly the break you guys needed!:) xoxo-Sab
Thanks Sab. Totally. Just what the doctor ordered.
Mish, thank you for this. It is insightful, inspiring, incomparable food for the soul!!! I bless the day I met you both.
Thank you Dolores.Thank you so much.
Love you Michelle Ann!
Love you too Dad! So Much.